How to Put Yourself First (Without Feeling Selfish): A Deeper Dive into Self-Abandonment and Healing 🌱

Olga Lacroix
Jul 7
3 min read

Updated: Jul 29

Why Putting Yourself First Feels So Hard.

At its core, self-abandonment often stems from early attachment wounds—when, as children, our emotional needs were overlooked, inconsistent, or even dismissed. This roots itself in our nervous system and echoes through adulthood, causing us to:

Suppress emotions to avoid rocking the boat
Dread setting limits, believing it will drive others away
Feel we’re “too much” if we speak up

But psychology—especially attachment theory—shows us that this silence comes at a cost. It disconnects us from ourselves and the people who love us. And over time, it erodes trust—not in others, but in our own worth.

The Childhood Roots of Self-Abandonment

Inconsistent caregiving = fractured object constancy: When caregivers were emotionally or physically unavailable, kids learned that relationships aren’t dependable. This disrupts object constancy—the ability to trust someone’s love, even when they’re not present 
Formation of abandonment schemas In schema therapy, an “abandonment schema” forms when early caregivers leave us feeling unseen or replaceable. This may trigger chronic anxiety around rejection.
Attachment wounds shape our adult lives Early abandonment wounds often result in anxious/avoidant or even disorganized attachment styles—patterns that make us sabotaging relationships. We may cling tight, freeze up, or pull people close only to push them away.

How Self-Abandonment Shows Up Today

You’re not alone if you’ve ever:

Said “I’m fine” when you weren’t
Minimized hurts to keep the peace
Held yourself to unrealistic standards
Avoided emotional needs because they felt inconvenient
Started something meaningful, then bailed because it felt risky

All of this is self-abandonment in action—and it often backfires, leaving us resentful, depleted, disconnected 

A Real-World Awakening

This weekend, my husband did something joyful for himself—and I cheered him on. But underneath that joy, there was a ripple of discomfort for me. The impulse to stay quiet hit me hard.

And yet—I didn’t.

I felt hurt. I let myself say, “That rubbed me the wrong way.”No drama. No backlash. But truth.

In that moment, I realized: If I’ve been prioritizing harmony over honesty, I'm abandoning me. And by ignoring what mattered to me, I taught others that my needs weren’t real. Unseen.

This wasn’t just feedback to him—it was a wake-up call to me: To stop sweeping my own feelings under the rug.

How to Start Putting Yourself First (With Compassion)

Begin with naming -Acknowledge what you're feeling (hurt, overlooked, angry). Just say it out loud or write it down—without justification.
Trace the root Ask: “Where did I learn I shouldn't ask for this?” Identify patterns from childhood or past relationships.
Repair with self-compassion- Use compassion-focused therapy techniques—speak to yourself gently: “It makes sense you feel this,” or imagine holding your inner child 
Challenge the beliefs- Tap into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: Are you operating on thoughts like “If I assert, I’ll lose connection”? Update them with curiosity instead of certainty.
Practice object constancy with yourself- Give yourself consistent emotional attention—like a friend would. Over time, you’ll internalize that your needs matter.
Set small boundaries-Start with tiny gestures: saying “I need a moment,” holding an opinion, protecting your time. These steps build your voice and your confidence.

Your Three-Step Starter Kit

Step	What to Do	Why It Matters
1. Name	“I feel hurt”	Validates your experience
2. Pause	Ask “Where does that come from?”	Unwraps deeper patterns
3. Claim	“That matters to me.”	Shifts the dynamic toward honesty

Putting yourself first isn’t about demanding dramatically—it’s about giving yourself small, consistent permission to matter. To be seen. To speak up.

If you're ready to reclaim your voice, unpack emotional blocks, and finally take courageous steps toward living your truth without guilt—I offer Session Packages crafted to help you do exactly that.

👉 [Book a Session Package Here]

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